Right. So I just quit my job. For those keeping track, that is the second one I have quit this year. The perfectionist inside me is having a legitimate mental break down and this is evidenced by me actually being the one having a mental breakdown. If I look for her in my mind, I find her sitting in a chair in a dark corner. Drool is starting to drip from the corners of her dry lips and she is rocking herself back and forth. Her blonde hair is frayed at the ends and she has that look in her dark, sunken eyes that men fear and women relate to.
I think I finally broke her. She has spent so much time penning me in like a wandering toddler, shouting warnings and swatting at my hands as they reach for hot things. I grew up so fast and had to ‘adult’ at an early age. She protected me, made me eat my vegetables, and ensured I walked and talked like a southern bell. That is, up until about 40 days ago. I looked her in the eye and convinced her we should quit the job we hated but provided financially. We accepted another job that, turns out, we also did not like. Up until this morning, she was frantically trying to contain me like a new teen driver with a fresh, plastic license ready to burn rubber.
So, here we are, she is in the corner belly breathing and the rest of me is here with you-whoever you are.
I’m taking a hiatus from adulthood. Kind of. (She’s glaring at me from the corner. In through the nose. Out through the mouth girlfriend.) I start my MSW come end of August and I’ve been job to job for the past eight years. I’ve created a big golden calf called “debt free” and put it on an alter labeled “My Identity”. I’ve directed my entire life around filling my bank account and emptying the debt account. Not inherently a bad thing (don’t crucify me Dave Ramsey babies). But in the gory, violent process, I’ve managed to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I’m frazzled. On edge. My depression is a raging monster. Anxiety has learned how to walk, talk and is currently dragging things off shelves and drawing on the walls. My values and morals have been drenched in filth. I feel as if I have totally lost my way and I do not recognize the person in the mirror.
I have a plan but go ahead and think I’m lazy, a sloth, ignorant, or a weakling because frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. I’ve spent so much time inside the box mentally, spiritually, and emotionally and I am way overdue for a catalyst moment. This has to be a catalyst moment for me. Well, it doesn’t have to be but it would be really nice if it was. A catalyst moment is a moment that everything in your world pivots on. It could be a choice, a word, an event. Mine just happens to be this morning’s mental breakdown resulting in abandoning all cultural norms, reasoning, and doing the irresponsibly responsible thing.
I’ve created a “reset” button and I just pushed it with the face of a hammer. Multiple times. It comes with minimal instructions but there are some. I have to be productive every day. No Netflix binge-watching. Delete Candy Crush. De-activate social media. Engage in nature, cooking, and something new every day. Read, write, play, create-those will be the verbs of the next few weeks. I have to complete a new challenge each day, no matter how small it my be. This is mainly to displace the insanely heavy weight depression has draped over my shoulders. It’s like living with permanent ankle weights but instead they are strapped to your chest and oh how I wish they were only two pounds.
In the above process, I hope to rediscover myself and begin creating and pursuing the legacy I hope to leave behind. All of this has to happen between dedicated, intentional times of searching for a new job or Perfectionist might actually plot my death.
Pray for me over these next few weeks. I need the grace of the Gospel to be transfused into my veins and absorbed by every cell in my body. I need to train up the toddler trust I have in the Lord and focus on all He has done and all He will do.
So. Cheers to a new entirely new book not just a new chapter. Let’s search for a catalyst moment. Happy Mental Breakdown 2018 everyone. Let’s hope it’s not an annual event.
Today’s Challenge: Find the nearest 7-11 and get a free Slurpee.