Right. Day two. I have attempted to contain all the uncontrollable wailing, aimless staring, and excessive wine drinking to day one. I woke up this morning, took a really long shower, had a phone interview (it went well), and here I am- bathed, sober, and wide eyed. Perfectionist is over there, pacing in circles and mumbling to herself.
I have this permeating feeling of delicacy. Not a flower kind of delicate. More like a piece of glass that has stress fractures and if you talk too loud it might shatter. I also feel like I am floating in an ocean of unknown. Kind of like when you learned to float in the water as a kid, if you learned. It’s this complete awareness of body and breath. The swim teacher would place their hand under your back and encourage you to relax, let the water hold you while you breathe from your core. That is remarkably what today feels like. But there is no hand underneath my back. I’m floundering a bit as I try to keep my arms and legs from sinking to the bottom. But, slowly, I am becoming still.
One breath after the other.
Listening to the muted sounds of the world through cool water.
Staring into the baby blue.
Today is not about where I’m going, what I have done, or what I will do. Today is about learning to come back to my body. Learning to come back to my ‘true self’. To be present. But that is so ambiguous. What does that even mean? What does that look like?
Focus on self-awareness.
I need a little more than that! Give me the ‘mac and cheese’ instructions. Or the ‘frozen pizza’ version. You know, the tiny writing on the side of the box that assumes I am not a functioning adult. (In all fairness, most of the time I am not.)
‘Put water in pot.’
‘Warning! Pizza may be hot.’
May be? You did it wrong if it’s not hot. Anyways. I want a step by step plan on how to be present. Arguably, there are some great resources out there that might aid in this process (HeadSpace is a great example) but I’ve learned that it is not always as generic as making macaroni.
Similar to swim lessons, the only true way to discover this sensation is to intentionally put yourself in the wake of something so much greater than you that you have no choice but to succumb and be still or it will swallow you. It could be as literal as an actual body of water or a stunning mountain top view. Or, turns out, it could be as personalized as quitting your job and embracing your new-found ’employability’ via large glasses of wine, tearful prayers, and blog posts.
Severing the noise, chaos, and expectations of the world, even briefly, has a crazy way of putting things in perspective. Muting your inner voice (or infuriating it to insanity, as in my case), the great beauty and mystery of the unknown suddenly begins to wash over you. You can clearly feel your body being held by the water and vividly see the sky above.
So. I dedicate today to getting to know the unknown. I vow to let it take my fear and transform it into curiosity. I’ll let my guard down and ask it hold me. I’ll feel it wrap around me and mute the world.
Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.
Today’s Challenge: Focus on being present (meditate) for 10 minutes.