“When life give you lemons, make lemonade.”
-The Optimist
“When life gives you lemons, make…wait. Why did life give me lemons? What does this MEAN? Can life give me money? If you’re going to give me lemons at least give me a pitcher and sugar too! People don’t want to drink sour lemonade. They’ll think I don’t know how to make lemonade. That’s wrong! I KNOW HOW TO MAKE LEMONADE!”
-TobeKT
It turns out it is very difficult to blog every, single, day. I feel like I have to be uniquely inspired for each post, which is a lot of pressure. I even had a dream last night that y’all could give me ratings based on one out of five stars rather than ‘likes’ or just silence. Some people gave me one star and said it was ‘depressing’ to read. This is a blog…ABOUT DEPRESSION!
Anyways.
During my afternoon stare off into space and contemplate my existence session, I challenged myself to take inventory of some of the positive things that have happened in the last eight days. Here is what I came up with:
1.) Unexpected money from a few unlikely sources that will tide me over to eat another day.
2.) Speaking of eating-eating basically an entire loaf of amazing chocolate chip banana bread in an unhealthy amount of time.
3.) I have been writing every day and completing challenges.
4.) My closest friends have surrounded me and poured out unconditional support and I feel a less alone.
5.) I have a couple interviews coming up.
The optimist would refer to my current circumstance as ‘lemons’ and the above as proverbial lemonade.
I’ve gotten really good at handling rotten lemons when they are handed to me. I man handle the ‘good’ ones like they are hot potatoes. My depression is familiar, safe. I’ve spent ten years learning about every nuance. Opening myself up to receiving hope and joy, I just, what?! Hot potato. I mean, I think this is the part where I smile and breathe a deep sigh of relief. Maybe I was supposed to do the sigh, then smile? This is new territory for me. I want to embrace the idea that things don’t always have to be tainted by my depression. But it has been SO long since I have felt unadulterated happiness. Depression always seems to be hanging on to my leg like a toddler refusing to let mom leave for work. Like, go eat a PB&J kid and let me leave!
I don’t know if what I am trying to say is coming across clear so I’ll try and sum it up with this. I’m grateful for the blessings in my life but I’m looking for the fine print on each one.
1.) Unexpected money from a few unlikely sources that will tide me over to eat another day.
–But what about when that is gone? Hm? You can’t make a living blogging. Don’t enjoy this moment of provision! Panic about the next moment that won’t provide!
2.) Speaking of eating-eating basically an entire loaf of amazing chocolate chip banana bread in an unhealthy amount of time.
–I don’t care if it was the best loaf you’ve ever made. You eat that you run 100 miles every day.
3.) I have been writing every day and completing challenges.
-No one is listening. This will go nowhere. Just. Stop.
4.) My closest friends have surrounded me and poured out unconditional support and I feel a less alone.
– Eventually you are going to exhaust them. Small doses or they might overdose.
5.) I have a couple interviews coming up.
– Well those just aren’t going to work. Your new job is unemployment.
I want to stop and celebrate each of these victories. Not write the fine print. I want to be present with each win. And when each good lemon is celebrated, I want to be brave enough to ask for more.
Challenge: Write today’s blog…
This just in!
6.) My now married ex boyfriend no longer lives in the same town as me!
ToBeKT 